On Mending The Holes In Our Value Systems

The Mining Pan Metaphor

My encounter with the mining pan was profound and timely. I discovered it on a Colorado hiking adventure, one of those uncoincidental coincidences. Right when I needed it. Another "When the student is ready, the professor will appear" learning moment. It was immediately obvious to me. I saw my life in that pan. My loss of a child to cancer, and the resulting loss of a 28-year marriage had left me with a hole in my heart and soul. That was going to have to be healed before my life could be in better balance. I set about doing just that. Always a work in progress.

So, What about Roseanne and our Family Reunions?

I thought about the mining pan metaphor when I joined you in witnessing the backlash over the Roseanne incident. Her hateful racist language in a late-night tweet sparked a firestorm of responses that included ABC Television cancelling her popular TV show. But, more importantly, the incident was a dramatic reminder that we've got holes to patch in the fabric of this diverse Country.  Concerns over some very real and significant economic, cultural, governmental and social issues have led to a coarsening of the community and political discourse, amplified by a ratings-hungry media. Social media has also played a major role in enabling the often anonymous expressions of bigotry, hatred, misogyny, bullying and racism. Fortunately, an increasing majority of our citizenry are saying, "Enough's Enough."

What's the Family Reunion Reference?

A frequent theme of my writing is constructive civic activism, and I'm often asked, "Where do I start?" I frequently challenge our "friend in the mirror" to be that positive role model, that Better Angel to shine a brighter light to counter the negative voices of cynicism, fear and hatred. I then ask, "Do you have an upcoming Family Reunion? If so, that's a great place to practice." 

Most all extended families have a diversity of folks, ideologies and political leanings. And we too often play the avoidance games to keep from talking about politics or religion. We certainly don't want to get Uncle Thurman riled up like last year. Does this sound familiar? Sure it does. But, the only way we're going to influence civility and a softening of the extremes is to recognize and face the challenge, wherever it is. Our family gatherings are a good place to start.

On Being Positively Proactive

We can't be expected to be prepared for all conversation themes and threads in all potential gatherings, though we can strive to be better informed in subjects of notable disagreement. Make sure you're including a healthy diversity of opinions to better inform your own. The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post, Texas Tribune, Texas Observer and Austin Statesman editorial pages will give you a great balance of thoughtful, measured, diverse commentary and research. Or share good books that you're reading to help with perspectives on this complex, dynamic world.

We can be better equipped to handle controversial subjects at our Family Reunions, because we know who the players are and are familiar with their politics and points of view. If we know they'll be poised to denounce any demographic or champion a divisive approach relative to their pet concern, we can perhaps change minds and hearts with thoughtful comments, facts and helpful sources, rather than compounding the encounters with an aggressive response. I've learned that, "I found the recent David Brooks/Maureen Dowd/Leonard Pitts, et.al commentary really helpful in my understanding of the issue. Let me send it to you," is more diplomatic, less stressful and relations-saving rather than biting my tongue, or angrily spouting the "You stupid jackass" retort that will only heighten tensions and accomplish nothing.

CAN LOVE MEND THE HOLE?

No, perhaps a little too simplistic. But a great place to start. If we want more civility and mutual respect in our civic discourse, we have to model it. And call it out when we experience the opposite. With our elected officials, media reps, friends, family and community colleagues. We've allowed too many to get away with divisive, hateful language in many forms. Children are listening. Our Better Angels are listening...and know better. Our thoughtful efforts with kindness, inclusion and community healing can make a huge difference. It starts with our personal beliefs and our expression of them. Thoughtfully, knowledgeably, compassionately. Loving ourselves and our communities. TOGETHER. LET'S MOSEY!